My liver just broke up with me...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
