what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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