There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
