take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize
