help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
