I need to stop coming to work sober
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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