no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
