moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
