Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I believe in your delicious
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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