the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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