Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
