just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
