the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
