you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
