I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
