let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
