I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
