checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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