i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
