I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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