So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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