I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
