Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
