i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
