Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
