i just wanna soil my oats bro
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
