did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
