I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
