If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
