he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
