I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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