3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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