My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
