I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
