I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
