If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
