Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
