Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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