There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
