dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Randomize
