We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
