I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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