My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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