lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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