Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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