I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
