Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
