The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
