BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
