The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
