you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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