i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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