New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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