gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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